A Rose By Any Other Name

NB: Don't get offended if you can't take a joke. I take the piss just as much out of foreign names after all. With China becoming a major world power these days, some people may be getting worried about the scourge of "the yellow peril." I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about, or at least give you a way to calm your fears. All for the low, low price of fifty-nine ninety-five. Sign up in the next five minutes and receive a free Ginsu knife set -- it slices, it dices, it...uh...something else that ends in -ices...anyway, moving right along. For most of my childhood I was under the ridiculous impression that most Chinese were called names like "Lotus Blossom" and "Three Autumn Leaves" and other romantic bunkum. Everyone knows real Chinese have names like Hu Jintao, Mao Tse-tung and Jet Li, right? Woah up there, Boy Wonder, only half right. Some people don't realise that these names have meanings themselves that are pretty easy to decipher. And when you do decipher them, especially the surnames, they sound rather a lot like failed candidates for the Mr. Men or characters from Cluedo (Clue! for any American readers.) Hearing about how powerful Mao was during his heyday may put the fear up you that the Chinese may soon be running the world, coming to our country, stealing our women, etc, etc. But when you realise that, for all his power, the literal translation of his name is Mr Hair for Chrissake, well, it kind of takes the edge off things. Especially when you consider how little of it he had. Other tidbits for your perusal:

• Hu Jintao = Mr Moustache
• Jet Li = Mr Plum
• Fong Sai Yuk = Mr Square (close, but no cigar)
• Wong Fei Hong = Mr Yellow

Of course, that's not to say English names can't be just as stupid. My first Chinese name (up until a few weeks ago) meant "King of Dove Soap" to some people who heard it, which just goes to show something or other. And who can forget their parents' constant jokes whenever they heard about Deng Xiaoping and immediately segued into discussions on manure.*

*Please, say it wasn't just my parents. Try saying his name if you don't get it...

By the way: Why, yes, I do have rather a crush on Wikipedia at the moment.